Ballers Behaving Badly

[SOCCER] Iran and a Ban? Oh, Man.

2006-01-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

Just in time for the New Year and with the World Cup only months away, German officials are closely considering banning Iran from the famed soccer championship. This comes shortly after Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made comments, somewhere along the line of, "Israel(and most likely its Jews) should be wiped off the map," "Israel should be moved into Europe," and "the Holocaust never happened." [more]

Hmm, he doesn't come off as the most intelligent man, does he? Especially with the World Cup being held in a country who was globally shamed for killing nearly 6 million Jews during that supposed Holocaust.

But, Mr. Ahmandinejad has bigger problems to worry about, like accusations of taking American diplomats hostage and the execution style murders of three men. Even more surprisingly, he is the same man who once said, "My mission is creating a role model of a modern, advanced, powerful and Islamic society" for Iran.

What an angry little man.

Ahh, I can see it now; "Iran: The Global Model for Intolerance, Terrorism, and Crimes Against Humanity. "

Will somebody please get to printing out bumper stickers and tourism T- shirts?!?

Related:
FIFA WORLD CUP 2006 [official site]
NEW PRESIDENT SEES IRAN AS A 'ROLE MODEL' [abc]

[Police Blotter] South American Superstars Edition

2005-12-29T11:21:00.000-08:00

12/21/2005 Argentina's Mariano Puerto has been given an 8 year ban by the International Tennis Federation after testing positive for the cardiac stimulant after his French Open Final loss to Rafael Nadal. [more]

World Anti-Doping Agency chief Dick Pound (really, thats his name) says, "You're dealing with somebody who's tested positive twice in less than two years and clearly doesn't think the rules apply to him."

Meanwhile, Argentine Tennis Association president Enrique Morea says, "It's awful news because Puerta is a nice guy. They have ruined his career."

Who's side are you on?
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12/22/05 An angry, and suprisingly not so bloated, Diego Maradona was arrested at gunpoint and briefly detained at a Rio airport after making a scene shortly after he missed his flight from Brazil to Buenos Aries. After arguing with airline staff, he began breaking things in the airports VIP room. He was, of course, later released. Later, at a press conference Mr. Maradona recounted his experience as only Diego Maradona can. [more]

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12/27/05 After a year of shit (including a manslaughter trial, drug raid, and imprisonment) Edinho, the son of the classiest man in soccer, Pele, has finally entered drug rehab. From Sports Illustrated. "Edson Cholbi do Nascimento, 35, was released from prison on Dec. 17 and decided to seek treatment after consulting with Pele and his family. Edinho was among 50 people arrested on June 6 when police dismantled a drug gang based in Santos. He then admitted he was a drug user, but denied being a trafficker."

[ BREAKING] Former NFL'er Russel Killed in Crash

2005-12-15T15:23:00.000-08:00

From the AP:

Former Raiders defense tackle Darrell Russell, 29, was killed in a crash early Thursday morning. He was a passenger in a car driven by former USC teammate Michael Paul Bastianelli that went out of control about 6 a.m. and hit a curb, tree, newsstand, fire hydrant, light pole, another tree and an unoccupied transit bus, Lt. Paul Vernon said.

Darrell was a promising talent, but after being suspended three times failing several drug tests, he previously tested positive for ecstacy, his career never recovered. [full story]

[FOOTBALL] NFL Vikings Charged With "Lewd" Conduct

2005-12-15T13:25:00.000-08:00

lewd : (lood) adj: 1. Preoccupied with sex and sexual desire; lustful. 2. Obscene; indecent.

Four members of the Minnesota Vikings were charged today with indecent conduct, disorderly conduct and lewd or lascivious conduct for taking part in a October bawdy boat party on Lake Minnetonka.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS:

Name: Bryant McKinnie
Street Name: Smiles
Crime: Put woman on bar in the lounge area, performed oral sex on her; later recieved oral sex from a women while sitting in a deck chair.
Punishment: If convicted, faces up to a maximum of 90 days in jail and a $10,000 fine on each count.

Name: Daunte Culpepper, Quarterback
Street Name: The Iceman
Crime: Got a lap dance from a naked woman in one boat's bar area; put his hands on her buttocks.
Punishment: If convicted, faces up to a maximum of 90 days in jail and a $10,000 fine on each count.

Name: Fred Smoot
Street Name: Baby Face
Weapon: Used sex toy on two women on the floor in the lounge area. Punishment: If convicted, faces up to a maximum of 90 days in jail and a $10,000 fine on each count.

Name: Moe Williams
Street Name: Winky
Crime: Got a lap dance from a topless dancer and placed his hands on her breasts;
Punishment: If convicted, faces up to a maximum of 90 days in jail and a $10,000 fine on each count.

Oh, I'm sure their mothers are proud.

More Info: CBS News

[BASKETBALL] Evil Strikes Young Ballers; Deoderant a Weapon

2005-12-15T12:07:00.000-08:00

Several kiddies from Prarieville Middle School were arrested and charged with being involved in one of the worlds lamest hazing incidents. Allegedly, after basketball practice, one thirteen year-old was stuffed in a gym locker as "the vents were stuffed with paper and [aerisol]deodorant sprayed inside." Tragic.

Eventually, the kid was freed some 30-40 minutes later and then ran home to his mother. She dropped the hammer, as all great moms would. Now, a total of seven kids(roughly aged 13-15) were arrested and charge. The supervising basketball coach was fired. And soccer, I mean, basketball moms everywhere are angry.

[FULL STORY]

[SOCCER] Charlton Star Crashes Porshe into Porch, Denies Drugs

2005-12-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

English Premier Leaue' s Charlton Althetic's Jay Bothroyd,23, claimed that "blacking out" caused him to smash his Porshe into the porch of a $2M home last night. After the wreck, he was arrested for suspicion of DUI, given a blood test, and released. There's no word on the results yet. Bothroyd denies the accusations, but as we all know, athletes aren't the most honest people. We'll have to wait and see. .. [full story]

[FOOTBALL] Police Blotter, College Edition

2005-12-14T06:57:00.000-08:00

Dec 11, 2005; Los Angeles: UCLA kicker Justin Medlock was arrested for investigation of drunken driving and felony hit-and-run after allegedly leaving the scene of the accident, which left a member of the school's women's golf team, Hanna Jun, seriously injured, authorities said Sunday...[ full story]

Since when do football players hang out with women's golfers? Whatever happened to cheerleaders? Recently divorced teachers? Strippers?

Photo Courtesy of Bruin Report Online.

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Dec 12, 2005; Denver: A Univ of Colo defensive tackle, Clint O'neal and his cross country runner girlfriend Jackie Zeigle are being accussed of sending a racist email. " O'Neal and Zeigle, who are both white, sent the typo-filled message to Greg Castro. It called Castro a "river rat" and "border hopper." The message suggested O'Neal would drag Castro behind his car. Zeigle told police she was retaliating against her teammate because he is obsessed with her and harasses her."... [full story]

Racists never make good spellers. Studies show that their one, lone tooth and southern drawl cause them to mispronounce their words, thus affecting their spelling.

Photo courtesy of University of Colo. Athletics. By the way, thats Laura, Jackie's twin sister in the picture. Same thing.

-------- STORY OF THE WEEK --------

Dec 7, 2005; El Paso, TX: A former UTEP football player, Ibok Ibok, was arrested after police say he broke into a house, straddled the resident on his bed and shook him awake, then spent about an hour breaking furniture and punching holes in walls... [full story]

People, his name is Ibok Ibok. I couldn't find a picture of this man, but I'm sure he looks just as mythical as his name sounds.

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Dec 12, 2005; Pennsylvania: Indiana University of Pennsylvania football player, James Carson, was arrested early Sunday and is charged with aggravated assault, simple assault and harassment in connection with the 2:12 a.m. incident at the off-campus apartment of the victim, Corey Allen Heiks.

James, who's listed as a freshman linebacker, has not played a single game for the university and has entirely too much time on his hands....[full story]

Photo courtesy of IUP Athletics.

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Dec 13, 2005; Missouri: Two Truman State University football players, Joshua D. Kilcrease, 21, and Darnell B. Williams, 21, were arrested Sunday for the assault of two men, Theodore Tarrant, kitchen manager of the Wooden Nickel, and Daniel Vogt, owner of the restaurant... [full story]

Unlike most crazy college football arrest stories, this one involves running middle-aged men over and stomping them into oblivion. Even worse, Darnell is a Justice Systems major. Irony, oh how it'll bite you in the ass.

Photos courtesy of Truman State Athletics.

[ WEEKS BADDEST] Cristiano Ronaldo

2005-12-14T05:54:00.001-08:00

Manchester United's Cristiano Ronaldo is this week's baddest baller. He's angry, waxed to perfection(note the brows, note the thighs), and ready for a fight. First, he gets a miserable yellow during United's Champions League game against Portuguese side Benfica. Then, the Portuguese international gets substituted off and thanks his compadres for their boos and jeers by giving them a good ol' American flip as a token of his appreciation. Then, as if matters couldnt get worse, United ended up loosing the game 2-1, booting them out of the Champions League/Uefa Cup for the first time in A LONG TIME. My, how the mighty have fallen.

His teamates are calling him a showboat, he was benched for Uniteds latest game, and was forced to apologize for this:

He's hanging on by the skin of this teeth, or should I say, his newly veneered teeth:

Better luck next week.

RELATED NEWS:

Man Utd Players Furious With Showboating (tribalfootbal)

Benfica Complain to UEFA over Ronaldo Gesture (sports illustrated)

Ronaldo, O'Shea benched against Everton (the irish examiner)

Ronaldo Apologizes (worldfootballers.com)

[update] virus; apology in time for the holidays

2005-12-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry its been so long. My computer was, in the words of those fabulous kids of MTV's Laguna Beach, "dun-zo." Meaning, it completely shut down on me, courtesy of a Trojan, and has still yet to be revived. For now i'm on anothers computer. We shall see how long this lasts.

[ SOCCER ] Player Arrested On Herion Charges in Africa

2005-11-22T15:24:00.000-08:00

An unnamed soccer player was arrested while trying to leave a Kenyan airport with over SH300,000 (whatever that is) worth of herion. The herion was encased tiny pellets located in a small bag. Assuming the player had already swallowed more pellets, the Kenyan customs agents locked up the footballer in a special observation room, and gave him food. And, "Between November 14 and yesterday (Sunday), he had emitted 21 pellets which had heroin," Mr Nyakwaka said. "This makes a total of 30 pellets. The pellets were stuffed with heroin with a street value of Sh300,000."

Meaning, He swallowed + They Fed + He Shit + They Found = JAIL

What have we learned? If you're gonna swallow herion pellets, do not, I repeat, DO NOT poop them out.

[full story]

[ SOCCER ] Wayne Rooney's 6 Minutes, 22 Sec in Heaven

2005-11-22T13:31:00.000-08:00

England may be the only place in the world where an ugly, fat, and cocky overpaid twenty year old soccer player can have his pick of women. Manchester United's Wayne Rooney was captured, well not really, having a six minute and 22 second rendezvous with a random, groupie type. Now, I say 'not really', because the closed circut television camera in England's Odyssey club's back kitchen was covered with a towel.

Well, that was after the camera already cought the lovely vixen, Emily Fountain, "waiting on her own in the white-tiled room, giggling excitedly and adjusting her boobs." Rooney then walked in, the camera was covered, and 6 minutes and 22 seconds later, the world was left baffled. Wayne eventually fessed up to only just "kissing and cuddling" Emily. Why do we care? Not because Wayne's already engaged to a golddigger extraordinaire, but simply because six minutes and twenty two seconds is not a figure to be proud of.

Emily Fountain. Her mother must be proud.

Courteousy of The Sun

[ SOCCER ] Treat For The Eyes

2005-11-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

Just in case you wanted to throw up your lunch, here are some photo's of the man who streaked across the pitch minutes before the Real Madrid-Barcelona match:

[ SOCCER ] United's Ronaldo To Be Cleared Of Rape

2005-11-21T15:54:00.000-08:00

There's been some suggestion that the rape charges against Manchester United' Portuguese international Cristiano Ronaldo will be dropped in the next few weeks, due to an insufficient amount of evidence against him.

He and another man were arrested last month after being accused of raping two women they met earlier at a nightclub in the Cristiano's penthouse suite at the Sanderson Hotel in London.
One woman later withdrew the allegations. Cristiano, who voluntarily went into police custody and later posted bail, adamantly denies the charges. [more]

Above: Cristiano and female accuser on the night of the supposed attack.

Footballers and Rape go together like peanut butter and jelly, he'res a few of the most famous cases, just to refresh your memory:+

[2004] Two Premiership players were interviewed over an alleged gang rape at the Grosvenor House hotel in London. The Crown Prosecution Service later decided there was insufficient evidence for them to be charged.

[2004] Three Leicester City players faced allegations of sexually assaulting three women in a five-star hotel on a training camp in Spain.They spent six nights in jail there but all charges against them were dropped.

[2004] Rape charges were dropped against ex-Chelsea player Jody Morris and a friend after they were accused of raping a woman in Leeds.

[2005] Arsenal's Dutch striker Robin van Persie was held in jail in Rotterdam earlier this year after being accused of rape. He was released after two weeks and maintains his innocence.

+ Courtesy of Manchester Evening News.

[ POLICE BLOTTER ] The Weekend Special: Officer Assault, AND MORE!

2005-11-21T07:59:00.000-08:00

Its the weekend, you know what thats means:

[ Friday ] Former Arizona State University football player Nick Johnson was arrested after duking out a police officer who was trying to break up a bar fight. The 6'4", 275 pound former defensive end then threw another cop to the ground and hit a bouncer.

He was then subdued with a taser while trying to grab a pretty blonde from the 85th floor after scaling the Empire State Building and consequently arrested. [more]

[ Saturday ] Former Ulster rugby star John Stevenson ,56, was jailed for seven years yesterday after being found guilty of sexual abuse. It was said that Stevenson, of Belfast, offered money and sweets to girls as young as four years old so he could sexually abuse them. [ more]

[ Saturday ] So, Trent Flanders, a freshman tight end for Iowa State University, was kicked off of the football team after being arrested this weekend. Now, knowing past situations, we can just assume that Mr. Flanders was a.) Most likely wasted. b) hostile and involved in an argument and/or altercation. c.) resisting arrest and assaulting a uniformed officer. or d.) all of the above. If you guessed "D", you're absolutely correct. Coach Dan McCarney says freshman Trent Flander is no longer on the tead thim. The redshirt tight end was arrested last Friday on the Iowa State campus on several charges including public intoxication and assault on a police officer. The sad thing is, Trent doesnt even look like the type of kid to get wasted, start a fight, and assault a cop. [more]

[ Sunday ] U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist Cyclist Tyler Hamilton is schedule to have yet anoter hearing to appeal his suspension for blood doping, set for January 2006 . Now, what exactly is blood doping? According to the Associated Press, Hamilton may have had a blood transfusion hoping that an increase in oxygen carrying red blood cells would enhance his and performance. Hmm. Weird. [more]

[ BASKETBALL ] Jemere Hendrix & The Artistic Apology

2005-11-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

"Former" Tennessee player Jemere Hendrix, who was dropped from the team in September after being arrested for possession of marijuana and driving without a license, reappeared this weekend wearing one of the most artistic apologies the world has ever seen. Though I shall resist hanging this lovely piece of artwork on the fridge next to my little brother's Thanksgiving hand-turkey, I will post it here for you all to enjoy. [more]

Hendrix showed up, sitting in the stands of course, to this Friday's game against East Tennesee State. His shirt, which is one of the three he currently had on in the photo, reads, oh so poetically...

"My Apology: I'm Sorry Team, I'm Sorry Fans, I'm Sorry Coach Pearl, I'm Sorry Mike Hamilton (Athletic Director), I Am My Brother's Keeper."

He should also apologize to Sharpie, Hanes, and Fruit of The Loom.

[ SOCCER ] Keano Quits United; Photo Special

2005-11-18T18:29:00.000-08:00

The general male population of England and Europe (ages 18-35) can finally sleep at night. After 12 years of taking swings at nearly every player in the English league, the world's most volatile little Irish man, Roy Keane, is hanging up his his famous # 16.

The Manchester United captian has finally called it quits after a disappointing season of captianing a team of morons. Most recently, he's made a series of strong, controversial comments surrounding his own contract and his team's talents and abilities. After recently picking up an injury,Keane probably realized that returning back to United and that bearded monster Malcolm Glazer would spell certain death. You're a smart man, Keano. You're the original 'baller behaving badly' and I'll miss you.

Criminal Highlights From The Roy Keane Fact File:

[1992] Arrested after rowdy scenes outside a Nottingham nightclub, but released without charge.
[1993] January - thrown out of another nightclub after being caught up in a brawl.
[1995] Shown red card twice in first three months of 1995-96 campaign, at Blackburn in August and at home to Middlesbrough in October.
[1997] Misses penalty for Republic against Romania and escapes without punishment after being involved in alleged head butting incident.
[1997]In the early hours of September 25, is caught up in a scuffle at a Stretford hotel, but witness statements are withdrawn and no action is taken.
[1997] Interviewed by police over claims that he threatened a neighbour during an argument over Keane's straying dogs.
[1999] Arrested after woman alleges he kicked her in a bar - but released without charge.
[2000] Criticises lack of atmosphere at Old Trafford accusing corporate spectators of being unable "to spell football never mind understand it" and only being interested in prawn sandwiches.
[2002] FA committee finds him guilty of intentionally getting sent off and bring the game into disrepute. He is banned for five games and fined £150,000.
[2004] Charged with assault and criminal damage by police. Stemming from him attacking a 16 year old boy and ripping off the kids necklace. Denies the charges. Those charges were later thrown out.

[ UPDATES ] Serbs Drop Charges; Cheating Ref Appeals Sentence

2005-11-18T07:29:00.001-08:00

The 18 month prison sentence against Dominik Marks(left), the ugly half of the German match fixing duo, was appealed this morning. The state prosecutors office was appealing to make sure Mr. Marks got the two year sentence they originally asked for. [more]

Former Laker Vlade Divac,37, had the draft-evading charges against him dropped today. Serbian Prime Minister Vojislav Kostunica came to the player's defense, saying Divac had "proven his patriotism innumerable times during his long career" in basketball. Vlade, seen here today with Defense Minister Zoran Stankovic proves that a handshake and bottle of heavy domestic Serbian lager can solve any problem.[more]

[FOOTBALL] Fmr. CMU Safety Arraigned on Murder

2005-11-18T07:29:00.000-08:00

via MSNBC:

"A former Central Michigan University football player has been extradited from Florida and arraigned today on second-degree murder and other charges in the fatal beating of a man outside a bar in June.

Michael L. Thomas, 23, of Fort Myers, Fla., also is charged with involuntary manslaughter, assault with intent to do great bodily harm and perjury. Thomas is the last of six people to be arraigned on second-degree murder charges in the attack on DeMarcus Graham, 26, of Flint, who died 19 days after being beaten outside a Mount Pleasant bar on June 25, 2004." [more]

At this rate, college football safetys will be extinct by 2007.

[SOCCER] German Refs Jailed

2005-11-17T10:29:00.000-08:00

Maybe we were right for questioning the legitimacy of German Soccer. After all, can we really trust a league who's Bayer Leverkusen wouldn't play Landon Donovan? I personally wouldn't trust a ref who looks like he spends more time at the salon, than learning the rules of the game.

So, after nearly a year of accusations and confessions, a judge has finally dropped the hammer. Robert Hoyzer, 26, and another referee, Dominik Marks, 30, were found guilty of having rigged games in return for payment from Ante Sapina, the Croatian ringleader of a two million euro ($2.34 million) betting fraud. Dressed in a three-piece suit, Hoyzer appeared stunned by the verdict and left court shouting, ' I'm too pretty for the jail! You can not jail pretty man!' to waiting reporters.

RELATED: Yahoo! News

[BASEBALL] Orioles Pitcher gets DUI, Needs New Agent

2005-11-17T07:29:00.000-08:00

Baltimore Orioles Pitcher Todd Williams was arrested for, according to his agent, not being drunk. Though Williams, who's caused a three car accent(with no injuries), smelled strongy of alcohol, failed a field sobriety test, and admitted openly to having ' a couple of drinks' along with taking perscription painkillers to officers, his agent, Tom O'Connell adamantly insists his client was not drinking.

O'Connel, an obvious genious, said,"We feel pretty confident that it's not going to be a DUI. He took his eyes off the road for a second and there you go. For whatever reason, the police felt they had to take him into custody."

For whatever reason.

MORE: AP News

[SOCCER] The Swiss and Turkey Brawl; Mayo Sits It Out

2005-11-17T06:19:00.001-08:00

A good ol' fashion fight broke out after Switzerland defeated Turkey in today's World Cup Qualifyer. The players rushed towards to the tunnel to avoid being hit by projecticles from angry fans. And then..

" Swiss player Benjamin Huggel kicked Turkey trainer Mehmet Ozdilek as the two teams entered the tunnel after the game, but it was unclear what prompted Huggel. Turkey's Alpay Ozalan then tried to kick Huggel in retaliation, instead making contact with a Switzerland player in front of him. Huggel then hit Ozalan on the back of the head and the two players wrestled each other to the ground, after which other players joined in."

One poor defender got sent to the hospital. I'm not sure whats worse, getting beat up, or having to go to a Turkish hospital. Sadly, it looks like the only place Turkey and Swiss can get along is at a Subway sandwich shop.

[BASKETBALL] Former Laker Divac Evades Draft, Faces Jail

2005-11-17T06:19:00.000-08:00

Thinking he could enjoy full benefits of living in the Westernized World, Seria and Montenegro national and former Los Angeles Laker Vlade Divac may have let his guard down, just a little. Unfortunately, you may be able to run from your unstable, Eastern European coutnry, but Vlade, you cant hide. Sports Illustrated Online reports:

"Serbia-Montenegro's army says it has filed charges against for evading the military draft. It asked Serbia-Montenegro's foreign ministry "to determine Divac's citizenship and his home address" to be able to carry out the legal proceedings and hand him the draft notice. Divac, who lives in Los Angeles, could face a one-year prison sentence in his native country if he does not join the army soon, legal experts said."

The question to be asked is: Why would Sebia, with no real military power, have a mandatory draft? As if enlisting every man under 35 into their army would help them beat the Mighty Mighty Americans. Yeah, right.

RELATED: Sports Illustrated

[FOOTBALL] Linebacker Arrested for Rape; Has HIV

2005-11-16T06:19:00.002-08:00

Where a day rarely goes by when a professional athlete isn't charged with a sexual assault, Canadian Football League (Don't worry, I didnt know they had one either.) linebacker Trevis Smith has added a pinch of spice to the monotony of daily rape/athlete encounters.

"Linebacker Trevis Smith of the Saskatchewan Roughriders and formerly of the University of Alabama was arrested Oct. 28 in Regina, Saskatchewan, and charged with aggravated sexual assault. Smith denies the charges and will plead not guilty, said his lawyer, Paul Harasen.

He was freed on bail and ordered by a judge Nov. 2 to practice safe sex, tell all future partners he's HIV positive and surrender his passport. His trial has been set for May 2006. "

Oh, thank god they took his passport, we wouldn't want that dreaded HIV, whatever they call it, spreading around the world, or something.

RELATED: USA TODAY

[SOCCER] Townie Streaks in Thong, Pig Mask

2005-11-16T06:19:00.001-08:00

A FORMER Crystal River High soccer player was arrested after a lame attempt at a prank. Christian Wayne Bell, the moron of the week, didn't even have, well, the balls, to full on streak. Instead, instead the high school GRADUATE opted for a pink thong and a pig mask as his costume of choice. After a brief sprint across a crowded soccer field, Bell was then captured and arrested by Sheriff's Deputy Frink, who later took the pig mask as evidence. He chose not to confiscate the pink thong for fear of getting loser all over his hands.

Lucky for you, The St. Petersburg Times has posted Mr. Bell's address. If you'd like to write him a letter, telling him how much of a douchebag he is, please write to: Christian Bell, 4274 S Alabama Ave, Citrus County, FL.

RELATED: St. Petersburg Times

[BASEBALL] Machete Wielding Phillies Pitcher Arrested

2005-11-15T06:19:00.001-08:00

Baseball player Ugueth Urbina of Venezuela was arrested in Caracas. The last seasons Phillies' pitcher was accused of attempted homicide after employees at his farm said he attacked them with a machete, authorities said on Tuesday.

Wait, Wait. Just exactly what kind of farm is this guy running? It's not legal to send humans to the slaughterhouse, is it? Oh, okay. Thats what I thought.

[SOCCER] Steven Gerrard Gives Life and, um, Limb

2005-11-15T06:19:00.000-08:00

In a desperate attempt to get his stikers to score goals, Liverpool FC captian Stevie Gerrard sacrificed his ass during practice this week.

Incredibly, both stikers Peter Crouch and Djbril Cisse missed. Stevie later joked, "It’s true, Peter couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo."

Well, thats wouldn't have been my choice of words, Steven, but whatever gets the goals.

RELATED: The Sun

[SOCCER] Footballer's Brother, Cousin Stand Trial for Racist Axe Murder

2005-11-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

People, you cant make this stuff. As if the days of racist axe murdering we long gone, we leave it to two ignorant morons to revive the trend. The brother and cousin of Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton are currently on trial for the July murder of a black Liverpool teen.. The pair were reportedly part of a crew that taunted seventeen year old Anthony Walker, his cousin, and his white girlfriend.

"The jury heard yesterday that Paul Taylor, 20, of Huyton, Merseyside, swung the axe — but that the “vicious weapon” was provided by Michael Barton, 17, brother of Manchester City footballer Joey.

Taylor, who is Barton’s cousin, has pleaded guilty to murder. But Barton, of St John’s, Huyton, denies murder and conspiracy to cause GBH to both Anthony and his 17-year-old cousin Marcus Binns

He had earlier been subjected to a volley of racist abuse as he stood happily at a bus stop in Huyton with Marcus and Anthony’s white girlfriend Louise Thompson, 17.

The trio tried to escape their tormentors by walking to the next stop. But as they cut through a park at 11.30pm, they were ambushed by four men who leapt from bushes.

L to R: Anthon Walker, Sketches of Taylor & Barton, and the murder weapon.

Petrified Louise ran to a police station, while Marcus knocked on the door of a resident who drove him back to the park — where he found stricken Anthony dying."

Looks like Michael Barton is turning out to be as much of a moron as his thug older brother. Mabye the entire Barton family and future generations should be immediately jailed to avoid future crimes. Its just a precaution.

RELATED: THE SUN

[SOCCER] Israeli Player Accused of Rape

2005-11-13T06:19:00.000-08:00

I'm getting sick of soccer player/rape stories, but I will never stop reporting them for the life of me. They're interesting. By 'interesting' I mean, 'hilarious'. This time, we go to Israel.

"A player(not named) for Maccabi Haifa, one of Israel's leading soccer teams, was arrested Sunday on suspicion that he sexually assaulted the 20-year-old girlfriend of a friend of his. Police say the alleged assault took place Friday night. According to the charges, the three arrived at the player's friend's house in the Netanya area of central Israel and the player entered the room where his friend and the friend's girlfriend were sleeping. The young woman said the player tried to assault her more than once, but she resisted."

Lucky for her, she resisted. Since when are assaults a matter of choice? What kind of criminals are they breeding over in Israel? Hmm, we know what country wont qualify for World Cup 2006. Thats because the World Cup is only for the raw and ruthless.

[FOOTBALL] Saints Brown Charged with DWI

2005-11-11T06:19:00.000-08:00

"New Orleans Saints cornerback Fakhir Brown was arrested on a charge of driving while intoxicated, the team said Friday.

Brown, who was arrested Wednesday, is the second Saints player to face a DWI charge in San Antonio in two weeks. Linebacker Courtney Watson was charged with drunken driving on Oct. 26."

According to my calculations, at this rate, it looks like nearly all of the team should have a moving violation against them come Superbowl.

RELATED: Yahoo! Sports

[FOOTBALL] S.C. Snapper gets DUI For Being, like, Retarded Drunk

2005-11-07T06:19:00.000-08:00

In one of the funniest DUI stories ever recorded, a South Carolina Gamecocks (haha, Gamecocks.) long snapper was arrested for drinking himself into an oblivion never before seen by the eyes of man. The facts from fanblogs.com:

"Scott Morgan was arrested 4AM last night on a DUI. Police approached his car because it was stopped at an intersection when the light was green. They reportedly found Morgan asleep with his car in drive and his foot on the brake pedal. Police reports indicate that he was not able to get out of the car without assistance.

Other reports say that a bottle of liquor was in plain view in the backseat of the car and that Morgan didn't open the window for police and instead opened his door. Police officers reportedly had to put his car into park for him because he put it in reverse instead when asked to put it in park. Morgan consented to a blood-alcohol test but the results have not been released."

I'm going to guess he failed the blood test. Anyway, does that even qualify for a DUI if the person involved is not driving, but sleeping at the wheel of a car stopped at a green light?